Language has a direct impact on emotional state. A shift happens when we focus our attention on the words we use.
Whether we are talking about ourselves or someone else, the subconscious mind believes we are talking about ourselves. Yes, the subconscious is self-absorbed! And it thinks whatever we say is true. Our words become self-fulfilling.
When we gossip about or are critical of someone else, we are also sabotaging ourselves. Have you ever yelled at someone else’s poor driving; “what a jerk.”? Yep, you just called yourself a jerk and your subconscious believes it.
What about our use of “can’t”? How often do we say, “I’m sorry, I can’t…”?
The meaning of can’t is “to be physically unable or not allowed to”. Stop…not allowed to? Is someone dictating my choices? Am I a victim? If I’m physically unable or not allowed to, why am I sorry? Do I really want to tell my subconscious mind that I am disempowered and physically can’t or am not allowed if it’s not true? *
So is the answer I can’t, I won’t, or am I choosing not to? I started tracking with intention. I figured out that in almost every instance, I am choosing a no. And the no directly links to my values and boundaries.
Can’t is usually a lie. Even though it is not intentional, we are technically lying to others. More importantly, we are doing ourselves disservice. We use can’t because it is comfortable. “It’s not my fault, I have no choice, don’t blame me, I just can’t”. Furthermore, we are denying ourselves a level of empowerment by a choice of words. Choice is a beautiful thing. Many in this world do not have it. Why would we so easily want to deny ourselves that?
Why do we unconsciously use “can’t”? It makes the other person not feel bad that we can’t go to or do…whatever. We want to be “good”, respected, not rock the boat. We are also trying to avoid feeling uncomfortable because if they knew we were choosing something else then we would feel bad. And, honestly, it is what we were taught to do!
If we ultimately say “can’t” because it aligns with our values, boundaries or current priorities, it may take effort and intention to name our values. The funny thing is, once we take the time, it makes choosing how we spend our time and energies simple. It’s a game I call hard, easy.
Choose to set aside the time to develop values and boundaries, and choices become much easier in the long run. We now have a set of guard rails to bounce off, like mini rules. Others respect personal rules.
- You are invited to go to Thursday evening event. A natural response might be “Sorry, I can’t”. You technically can; you are choosing not to. Instead, you say “Thank you for the invitation. I’m going to pass. My family has a rule about Thursday family dinners.” Boundary set. Nothing personal.
- Friends or coworkers ask you to go to lunch. Money is tight. Again, the natural response might be “Sorry, I can’t”. You technically could put yourself in a financial bind and make it up later. But you say, “I made a rule to only go out to lunch once per week and I went out on Monday. Maybe next time.” Boundary, rule, done.
Will we always give explanations like this? Am I suggesting that we never use the word can’t again? Of course not. Sometimes we are answering a stranger or in a situation that does not warrant stating a rule or boundary. Sometimes a simple, “I’m going to pass” will suffice. What I am suggesting is that we overuse it without awareness or acknowledging choice, boundaries and values. And even knowing for ourselves why we are choosing, makes a difference.
One-inch shifts like this can build momentum to an authentic, empowered, fulfilled life. Explore these shifts further with me by setting up Discovering Your CXO: A Guide To A Thriving Adulthood event.
*I speaking to situations of free will. I am not speaking of situations involving physical, religious or political control, or other such trauma or abuse.